Jezebel's Tryst of Redemption

2005-03-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

THE WAY IT IS

A caption from Jill A. Davis' novel, Girls' Poker Night:

"I learned to be unfaithful from my parents. Not infidelity in the classic sense - but I was always prepared for the unhappy ending, which made me less willing to work toward a happy one. I was unfaithful to the idea of a well-adjusted future."

I have read this over and over again. And I've put some serious thought into it, and wonder if it's possible, just maybe a little bit, if this doesn't completely and totally encapsulate who I am.

And who I wish I wasn't.

2004-12-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

I NEVER REALLY WAS A GAMBLER

Gloria Steinham, feminist extraordinaire, once said something that makes me giggle to myself. And not necessarily because it is funny, but because it seems so true.

"Women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage."

How funny is that? I don't know a lot of women who are addicted to the gaming tables, but boy, oh boy, do I know women who are addicted to men and who are willing to gamble big time in hopes of finding their prince charming and living the fairy tale.

Of course, I'm not referring to myself. I'm much more clear-headed than the average woman.

*clears throat*

2004-09-01T21:35:00.000-06:00

I, MYSELF, PREFER OLEO

"If i see one more size zero, 18 year old in a tube top, I'm gonna hold the bitch down and spoon feed her Crisco...all while shaking my cellulite ridden arse in her face chanting 'welcome to my world'."

This quote ripped off from my best friend's email today. I can take no credit at all for these absolutely fabulous words.

2004-08-28T10:14:00.000-06:00

SMALLER IS BETTER

Oh my goodness. Truly, there is a God. Because I know only divine intervention could have possibly created Mini Rolo Bites.

It's like having an orgasm in your mouth for only 99 cents.

Fucking spectacular!

2004-08-25T00:39:00.000-06:00

SUGAR SAYS.....

"He's so insensitive. He wouldn't even cry while watching the movie, Old Yeller."

Wow. That is bad.

2004-08-21T17:31:00.000-06:00

ONE FLEW OVER...

I was recently told that I was loopy. Not in a serial killer way, but loopy, none-the-less.

Is that a good thing?

2004-08-06T16:43:00.000-06:00

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW #3

It is really not in your best interest to inform your significant other that you had sex more often when you were single.

For some reason, this comment seems to upset them.

2004-07-31T00:38:00.000-06:00

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW #2

There are two very distinct choices to make in life. You can be married and bored or single and lonely.

Those are your choices. Choose wisely.

2004-07-28T15:49:00.000-06:00

MY THIGHS ARE SHRINKING

Oh, don't fret, my thighs aren't really getting any smaller. Hell, I think my arse might even be getting bigger. But I'm starting to get a little concerned that shrinkage might occur in the near future. Why, you ask?

Well, to be quite honest I feel as though my desire to consume mass quantities of fast food is waning. *Shudders at this horrific thought* It's just that, at this time, I am unable to find any food that I can quickly acquire at the local drive thru that tickles my fancy.

This is not good.

As fast food makes up 98% of my nutritional intake, the possibility of me wasting away to nothing seems like an absolute possibility.

I can not allow this to happen, so I'm off to sample all the fast food eateries around town.

Wish me luck!

2004-07-18T21:45:00.000-06:00

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW #1

So, apparently vaginas feel like wet poundcake. Ummm, this is what I was told. And I was assured that it was not just mine that feels that way....all of them feel this way.

Hmmm. Wet poundcake.

Bet you didn't know that.

2004-06-28T13:16:00.000-06:00

BETTER THAN ROSES

Nothing says I love you or I'm sorry like your lover's name tattooed over your heart.

Nothing.

And let's just say that I have first hand knowledge about this particular subject.

It's so f*cking cool.

2004-06-22T11:01:00.000-06:00

THE WAY THINGS ARE

He did everything he was supposed to do...

He called at 1:58am and said he was on his way home. He had a great excuse as to why he didn't arrive until 2:48am. He had an even better excuse about the outgoing number on his cell phone at 2:09am.

He cried. He dropped to his knees. He begged forgiveness. He pleaded with me to stay. He promised it would never happen again.

I did everything I wasn't supposed to do...

I took him back.

2004-06-15T19:11:00.000-06:00

COTTON BALLS ARE ALWAYS SOFTER

There are days when I crave being single. When I simply yearn for the days when I didn't worry if my heart was going to get broken. The days where my greatest worry was what shirt would accentuate my cleavage the best.

These days though, are different. I don't mind not being wild and crazy all weekend long. In fact, there are Monday mornings when I am truly appreciative of the fact that I have no hangover. I enjoy having someone in my life who seems to understand all of my idiosyncrasies - who even seems amused by many of them.

And then there are days, like today, that I find myself between a rock and a hard place, and I am simply not sure of the best way to deal with the situation. I find myself in a position that makes it quite simple for my boyfriend to move in with me. His lease is up unexpectedly. We have already been in the pseudo-living together arrangement for a few months. Therefore, it seems quite simple (to me) that this decision should be a no-brainer. Funny, isn't it, how the other person in the relationship doesn't always agree.

We have been together six months. We have talked about getting married. The commitment level in the relationship is thru the roof, but for some reason, it scares him to death to move in with me. It angers me. It makes me sad. And it hurts my feelings all at the same time.

Mind you, the decision hasn't been made yet. And part of me really wants to know - why is this even a big decision? We spend 7 nights a week together. What is the big deal? And then, I wonder if the same thoughts creeping around in my mind are the same ones that are preventing him from making the big leap.

You know those thoughts. They are the ones that silently whisper....what if you want to break up....what if he/she cheats on you....what if the shit hits the fan and there is no way out?

There is this part of me that wants him to move in something fierce. And there is another part of me that is scared to death of it. What upsets me the most though, is that IF he chooses not to move in, my warped mind will tell me that it is because he doesn't love me, or care about me, or envision us together in the future. And it makes my heart ache.

Why is it so hard to make a commitment on that level? And as much as I want to move up to the next level, I think, maybe, deep down that I am as scared as he is. Mostly because I don't want to feel trapped in something I can't get out of. That damn rock and hard place again.

The rock I can handle. I just wish the place next to it was just a tad softer.

You know... just to cushion the blow a little.

2004-05-25T22:01:00.000-06:00

NATURES PERFECT FOOD

If I remember correctly, last year I was quite infatuated with the McDonald's new Mc Griddle breakfast sandwich. In fact, I seem to recall the drive-thru gals knowing me by name and getting a personal letter of thanks from the president of McDonalds Corp for directly contributing to their sales increase that quarter. I also seem to recall my arse getting larger from the large quantities of scrumptious McGriddles I consumed.

But I digress.

Recently, I felt as though I was cheating on Ronald as I had discovered Burger King's New Tendercrisp Big Chicken Sandwich. Truly, I felt as if I had died and gone to heaven. Sugar and I were constantly emailing each other about the spectacular goodness of this wonderful gourmet feast. In fact, I believe it made us both wet in anticipation every time we thought about one of these big boys in our mouth.

Anyway.....today I went to BK with every intention of ordering a Tendercrisp, but I was led astray again. As I was almost ready to order, my eye caught the attention of the sign for the Angus Bacon Cheeseburger. Now, I must say, I have a real distaste for anything made out of hamburger, and to be completely honest that is a neurosis that will have to be saved for another time. But, for some reason, the picture of this Angus Bacon Cheeseburger called out to me. It beckoned me.

And I am so f*cking glad it did. Because holy cow, it was the best damn burger I have had in ages. I can not even begin to tell you how much I adored this Angus burger. I'm not sure what makes Angus cows so different from regular old cows, but, let me tell you....they really do taste nummy.

And while I really do feel as though I'm straying from my utter distaste of hamburger, I have a feeling I will be eating at the big BK tomorrow.

I'm sure that Upton Sinclair will forgive me.

2004-05-21T07:53:00.000-06:00

BETTER THAN A ROAD TRIP

What could possibly be better than a road trip? Seriously, when it comes to relationships, one of the great hurdles to be conquered is....."the sickness."

Ah, what could be so difficult about the common cold, you ask? What's a little bit of coughing and snot in a rock hard relationship, right? Please, it's disgusting. You may feel that the big piece of phlegm you coughed up is pretty spectacular, but the odds are, the new love of your life isn't going to share your enthusiasm.

What I'm leading up to, of course, is that our little road trip got completely cancelled because we both got horrendously ill. I'd like to say that we both got the same bug, but nooooooo. He got the 36 hour stomach flu and I got the cold from hell, that has now turned into a sinus infection and bronchitis.

What I've learned during this little viral extravaganza is that if you can lay in bed with someone for 2 days straight, and literally not get out of bed with exception to a) relieve your self b) vomit or c) get more kleenexes, you know that there is some amount of compatibility, or at least a tolerance for each other's bad or disgusting habits.

Bad and disgusting habits? What could those possibly be? Well, how about describing that it looks like you vomited up your liver into toilet? Or how about hiding your ibuprofen (like an eight year old child), even though you have a fever of 103 degrees? Or, and this is what I've heard, throwing your used kleenexes in a pile, that would rival Mt Fiji, on the floor next to your bed.

Apparently this is a disgusting habit.

Not that I would know.

2004-05-14T09:17:00.000-06:00

ROAD TRIP

So, the boy and I are going to see if we can tolerate each others' presence long enough to endure a 6 hour road trip together. We're off to Denver for a four day weekend. He wants to see a baseball game. I simply want to see a vast number of shopping malls.

I'm still on the quest for the perfect lip gloss.

2004-05-10T22:07:00.000-06:00

WHAT THE HELL???

So, a very kind soul has informed me that someone jacked my old blogspot address. Ummmm, why would anyone do that? Its' not like it was a URL that people would just randomly visit.

While I'm a little weirded out by it, I think I should take it as some strange complement.

Even so....very strange.

2004-05-09T21:09:00.000-06:00

A NOT SO SMALL OBSERVATION

When exactly did all the skinny little sixteen year old girls in this world get incredibly large racks? Are their breasts really that unproportionately large for their body or has every single one of them discovered Victoria's Secret?

It bothers me simply because my large breasts come with large thighs as well.

2004-05-08T20:57:00.000-06:00

JUST THE FACTS MA'AM

Let's just say that there was this girl. And let's just say that this girl had writing in her blood and started a web page detailing her weekend antics and the emotional angst that accompanied them. Now, let's unfortunately assume that someone close to her discovered this web log.

Let's just say the shit hit the fan.

Let's also say that the boy she went on a date with around New Years is still around, hence the title, Tryst of Redemption.

Let's just say this girl's happy and wants to write again about the perils of dating and relationships and her absolute love of the McDonald's Double Cheeseburger.

Come back soon, because let's just say that this girl has stuff to say.